(*identifying details have been changed or removed)
So, this thing happened. A life-changing thing. I certainly wasn’t expecting it, being as the first time it happened was 15 years prior and hadn’t happened since. It’s the sort of thing where… you know how they say, “You had to be there?” …Well, you had to be there.
I still need to tell this story, though, because the mark it has since left on my absolute existence has been profound; Spiritually, I am forever changed. And maybe, just maybe, there are some people who will still read this and (because they know me well enough to realize I’m really not THAT crazy) go “Holy shit! That’s awesome!” and then know, without a doubt, that there really is SOMETHING else.
Sit tight- this is a long one.
One thing before I start the actually story from the summer, though. You kind of have to know the background on this. I had my first spiritual experience about 15 years ago. I call it the “blue hair/yellow Cadillac” incident. (“BHYC” from here on out…) I’ll cut and paste it here from when I wrote it down in 2009. Feel free to skip if you’re familiar with it:
“A few years back, my husband, sister in law, and I had a long day of discussing some extended family concerns. The conversation was extremely sad and tense and emotionally charged. We felt like we were the only ones that could fix the problem, and we had to figure out how.
Later that night, I was laying in bed, sort of back and forth from reflecting on the day and just staring at the wall. All of a sudden, I had a buzz in my right ear. It was almost like a bee just hovering there, or kind of like when your fingers are dry enough that when you rub them together you can make a buzz noise. It was enough that I literally pulled away from it and gently jerked my head to the left.
Immediately, there was a sphere in front of me- about a foot in diameter. Here’s what’s hard to explain, though. I didn’t SEE it, hear it, smell it, touch it, taste it- it just WAS. I can’t explain what it looked like, because it wasn’t visual. I just knew it was there. A ball about 12 inches in diameter and about a foot in front of my face.
Just as quickly, ideas were put into the sphere. I say “ideas,” but it was as if someone was just going, you’re going to think THIS now! And now THIS! And these ideas were IN the sphere, if you will.
The ideas went, “Nanny” “Blue Hair” “Yellow Cadillac.” And then it was gone. I guess sort of knew what was going on, but I just sat there for a few minutes not only trying to process it all, but hoping it would start again…
I finally answered my husband, who had by now noticed something was up and was trying to get me to talk. I knew beforehand that his grandmother was called “nanny” by his family. I had even met her briefly before she died, so I was very familiar with the term. So I asked him, “Did Nanny drive a yellow Cadillac?”
And he answered “yes.”
“But she didn’t have blue hair, did she?”
Hmmmm. After some more talking to him, he informed me that Nanny had had that yellow Cadillac many years back, before I knew his family, but that it was sort of her “signature car.” He also surmised that I MUST have seen a picture of her with it, and that’s how I knew. (He has still not been able to find a picture in any family books, BTW.:)
The next morning, I went out and woke up his sister from the couch. First thing I said was “What kind of car did Nanny drive?”
“Yellow Cadillac!” she said proudly.
I then repeated the same question as I had posed to my husband the night before, “But she didn’t have blue hair did she?”
“No, but her MOTHER did!”
…I can only think that “Nanny” came through to me, just trying to tell us she (and her mother) were there the whole time and knew what we were going through…”
So that’s the first one. Nothing since, although I have to admit I’ve watched many episodes of “Long Island Medium” and read a couple James Van Praagh books just thinking about how amazing it would be to have that gift more than once.
Cut to a few weeks ago. I got a call from a new friend of mine asking if I’d be interested in joining her and a few other of her friends and acquaintances on a girls weekend. Another girl had to drop out and they had an extra spot. The rooms were all comp-ed, so she just requested that I bring a couple bottles of wine. It was a no brainer.
I ended up in the “suite” with four other women. It was an absolutely gorgeous layout: a full living room, dining table, kitchenette, massive flat screen television encased in a thick gold ornamental frame, and even a big black shiny grand piano that played by itself (if you knew how to get it started, anyway.) There were two actual bedrooms on opposite sides of the suite. The far one (the big fancy master king one) was where our host Kim and her friend slept. I and two other women (Lena and Pam) were sharing the two queen bedroom.
The weekend itself was fairly uneventful. We made a few laps in the lazy river and chilled out in our big old suite drinking the wine we brought. It was on this “wine in the suite” night that I decided to tell Pam about the BHYC incident. All the other girls were out gambling in the casino downstairs, or doing their own thing somewhere else, so it was just us two.
I’m not sure how/why the spiritual conversation got started, but despite her being a fairly devout Catholic, she was still surprisingly intrigued and supportive. (Usually when people hear this story with the religion filter thrown in, I get a mix of “it was your mind playing tricks on you,” or that it might be the “devil trying to trick you.”)
After that- we simply listened to our forty plus year old bodies and called it a night. We were going home the next morning and needed to get our schedules back to normal… little did I know the next day would be anything but.
The next morning, my two hotel roommates and I were in our beds watching some TV when Kim came in to chat. The rest of the women (aside from my suitemates) were back down gambling again and she had just woken up after a late night. She sat down in her robe and we were casually swapping stories when the subject of her son came up. I knew a little bit about his story; he had died a year before tragically. But now she was telling us that Monday had been his birthday. That it was a combination of details that once in place made him do something he wouldn’t have normally done. That she frantically tried her hardest to save him.
As awful as the details were, the conversation was more informative than anything. It wasn’t highly emotional: she only had a few tears run down her cheeks, and (if we’re being honest) I only teared up when I started putting Mack (my 20 year old son) in this kid’s place.
She got up to leave the room, “Well, I guess I should shower…” and I remember at that moment thinking somewhat callously, “Someone should probably give this lady a hug, but I don’t hardly even know her… these other two women know her way better than I do and THEY aren’t hugging her…” So I didn’t.
About an hour and a half later, we were finishing up packing to leave for home. I was standing at the foot of the bed my friend Lena was sitting in- she was watching a news report about some tornado damage and was apparently telling me a story about it… but at that moment my head started to get a bit fuzzy and I felt like my body was being pulled backwards. I even put my hand up to her to signal that I needed a moment…. I remember feeling like I needed to “get it together”- that I didn’t know Lena very well and here I go again with the “zoning out” thing I do to people. So, I attempted to steady myself by leaning forward and planting my feet to continue the conversation. At that same time, though, I needed to “test” it and see if I really was being pulled back. So I let go. Right away my whole upper torso went back like it was on a hinge. With my weight shifted, I stumbled to the side and held onto my suitcase. At this point I was now facing Pam, who had been sitting on the far end of the room, away from where I was being pulled. I remember looking at her, and at this time she and Lena were starting to ask questions… “Holly? Holly? Are you ok? Did I say something?”
I was processing so many thoughts at the time I never could have answered any of their questions. It was as if all at once I was questioning what was happening but also grasping what was happening. My internal dialogue was kicking in with “You are either about to faint- or maybe there is a ghost trying to tell you something wouldn’t that be cool but you are probably just going to faint but it could be that lady’s dead son coming through… faint?”
At almost the same time, a geometric plane went through my head. It was like a transparent record cover. You know the kind you would store your vinyls? It was exactly that size and it went through my forehead first, angled at about 45 degrees, and continued down stopping at my neck. Right when it finished, my whole brain did a little shake. It certainly wasn’t the loud buzz I had heard during the BHYC incident, but it was definitely a vibration.
It was at this point that the outward pull I had been feeling up until then turned into an inward push. It was no longer something else wanting me to go, I now HAD to go into the other room. I then stumbled through the connecting door into the kitchenette portion of the suite and used a bar stool to hold myself up- I was now breathing very hard and fast, and then… sobbing. Take your breath away, stomach punching sadness. That’s what I was feeling. But then again- I wasn’t sad. I couldn’t have told you why I was crying- I just was. I was now physically trying to make my way around a wall that separated the barstools from the kitchen. I still don’t know why I wasn’t able to just follow the lead- although I was still so confused and was questioning everything in my head. The “Holly” in me was still doing a “Why the hell do you need to go to the kitchen?”
Lena and Pam followed me, of course, again asking questions, “What is wrong? Do you need your medicine? Someone get her a wet towel! WHAT IS WRONG??”
By then, Kim had emerged from her room and was in the kitchen getting the towel, and then hurried around the corner to get it to me. As she got closer I grabbed her arm and held it tight and finally answered the girls’ question with, “this is where I need to be.” And then to answer their questions of “What’s wrong?” I said, “its not me, its her” as I pointed to Kim.
“What do you mean?”
This was when I started realizing the implications this could have on my newly formed friendships. They WERE going to think I was crazy. I’m going to HAVE to explain this…
“Remember that thing I told you about last night?” I said to Pam, “It’s happening again.”
(I then also started throwing in some nervous laughter of “I know this seems REALLY FUCKING weird. I swear you guys I’m not crazy!” between hyperventilation/sob breaths. )
I don’t know how I knew it was Henry. I just DID. I never looked up and just said to Kim, “It’s your son. He’s here.”
Kim was quick to reassure me, “It’s ok. I’m very open to this sort of thing.” From that point- I couldn’t embrace her enough. They had me sit down on a chair and I immediately told her, “I need you to sit here” as I patted my lap. She sat down facing the side, and I embraced her midsection and cried harder.
I must tell you, that even up until the final moments of this experience, “Sane Holly” kept coming through with thoughts of how absolutely unbelievable this whole thing was. “How would I explain it to other people? How would I explain it to THESE people? Is this REALLY her son? I KNOW it’s her son but WHOA! This is NUTS!” I just continued to oscillate between deep breaths and crying and feeling the heavy sadness of Henry. It was one of these moments when I recognized the absurdity of this 60 year old woman I hardly knew who is larger than I am sitting on my lap. I said to the girls, “its interesting because it wouldn’t be weird for her to sit here if I was a strong 22 year old guy.” And then I went back to sobbing.
Kim started crying and calling out, “I miss you so much Henry, I just want to know that you are ok.”
I blurted out, “Everything is ok, except for this.” And when I said “This” I made some motion that I was talking about her and the state she is in. By the way- this is where it gets weirder, because those weren’t MY words. They were Henry’s.
I was still hugging her midsection when I felt this sense of peace wash over me. Bigger than anything I’d ever felt before. It was as if every weight of all of my worries was lifted- so extremely pure. Analytical Holly then came out again, and I had to tell her “I feel SO peaceful. Its amazing.”
Kim replied, “me too.”
(I do want to sort of explain this before I go on- it was sort of like a split personality this whole time. I was feeling what Henry was feeling but I could also think freely as myself, and so I had sort of this back and forth between letting Henry completely in and yet also thinking my own thoughts about the situation. So when I said I was peaceful, it was because as Holly, I have NEVER felt that feeling. I don’t want to sell this part of it short, because for me it was incredible; it was like I was awash in absolute love.)
At about this time, I started feeling this “thing” at the base of my throat- it was like energy the size of a fist right over my sternum. It was Henry’s words, and I could then choose whether to say them or not. At first I didn’t trust it. I was questioning if they were MY words, because the alternative was just too crazy, right? I remember even thinking- “channeling her son is one thing but SPEAKING for him? That’s Whoopi Goldberg shit right there. I will now definitely be THE crazy girl.”
Thankfully, my girlfriends sensed that we needed some privacy, and left the room right around this time. I finally was comfortable enough to drop my guard, and I nonverbally “put it out there” to Henry, “Ok bud. I’ve got nothing going on today so lets do this” – and started saying his words.
That’s not to say he had a lot to talk about- I never got the feeling that he was trying to verbally communicate much- in hindsight I think he just wanted to comfort her, (and himself) with touch and his presence. The first thing I remember saying that was MY choice to actually say, was “I love you, Ma. I love you, Ma.”
Kim talked more, but I don’t remember exactly what all was said. From what I DO remember, much of the time was spent in silence and crying; simply hugging, embracing, or holding hands. But, there are a few exchanges I remember fairly clearly:
Kim was asking “why?!” and telling Henry she loved him, and I/Henry said “It wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Kim: “I told you not to. Grandma told you not to. Why did you do that?” (While Kim was “admonishing” him for what he’d done he made me think “yada yada” and like a hand was yapping next to your face- you know how you would do if someone is saying something you already know?) And then after a few second pause Henry/I said,
Kim: “And you and Jeff got into that argument and he’s still so upset that you didn’t get a chance to make up before you died.”
Henry: “It doesn’t matter”
Kim: I just wanted to see you get married and have kids of your own!”
Henry: “They’re here with me. The ones I was supposed to have. Everyone is here. “
I need to stop here again to explain another thing. When Henry said “it doesn’t matter,” it wasn’t just the words that he gave me, but a whole package of thoughts behind it. So while I SAID “it doesn’t matter,” it actually meant three things. The first was what you would have expected- that a petty fight between friends doesn’t matter anymore. But what was also given to me was, “all this petty bullshit that you deal with on a day to day basis DOESN’T FU**ING MATTER.” The third meaning was “it doesn’t matter what you or anyone does on this earthly plane, we will all end up in the same place.”
Yeah, let THAT sink in!
Also, when he replied “they’re here with me” it was initially the only thing he said. But it was as if he realized how confusing that would sound, and I actually felt him feel the need to follow it up quickly with the explanation of “the ones I was supposed to have.”
The final exchange followed more hugs and tears in silence, and for me it was the most profound. This was the moment (as if I needed any more proof) that “Rational Holly” knew she wasn’t crazy. We were sitting in chairs facing each other holding hands and I said, “I gotta go.” At that point Kim asked another question , but I don’t remember even listening to it. My reply was, “I don’t want to, but I gotta go.” I then leaned in and once again embraced Kim’s midsection, sobbing some more. That probably lasted 10 seconds until all of a sudden it was as if someone flipped the switch. My eyes opened wide and I threw my arms to the side as if to manually release the hug…. “He’s gone!”
I quickly stood up and exclaimed “He’s gone! Holy shit! THAT WAS NUTS!” Kim looked at me confused and I had to apologize. Henry had left- leaving “Holly” to now take in this wondrous experience, in the way Holly would, of course… with cussing. Thankfully Kim understood and I jerked my head back and forth for a few seconds looking for my other girlfriends in a “Did you SEE THAT?” way.
Immediately I found myself backing up to the wall and sliding down in complete exhaustion. I was propped up against the wall and could hardly even hold my head up. I was trying to catch my breath and was simultaneously realizing that there were now a few more people in the room that I hadn’t seen enter. “Oh wow. You just saw that… I’m really not crazy, I promise” was all I could muster.
Much like the “it doesn’t matter exchange,” the “I gotta go” also held some deeper meaning. I knew when he said it, that it was for me. He didn’t want to go, but also knew how taxing this was for me and that I had done enough for them. I still find it amazing that not only could he give me his words to say but that he could impress to me that meaning of them at the same time.
By then, it was time to leave. The girls already had my bags at the door and everyone was waiting on us. As I sat then down in the lobby, sunken into the bench to await the car, i remember starting to think to myself “Why here? Why now?” when Kim started talking. She told me that the day before, she had been on a walk by herself and had broken down, pleading with Henry to please just give her a sign that he was OK.
I guess he figured out a way.