But did they Suffer?

Before I get into the juicy bits, I need to offer a quick recap of the last year. I’ll make this quick, promise! I’m still in the learning/pre-professional medium stages. I continue to have experiences with the other side, but usually I’m simply practicing online with other mediums. We trade readings with each other to hone our skills, and it’s extremely helpful! BUT, I find this to be harder, actually, than readings with “normal” folks. As an example, and it may sound silly, but I talk to my grandparents every week; There isn’t a lot unsaid at this point. So, naturally, I find that the spirits coming through aren’t doing so with a lot of urgency because, like I said, my medium friends and I talk to them all the time! If you’ve been following along, you know that’s a lot different than most of my readings in the past… i.e. those ones that tend to come out of nowhere and hit me with a hard shot of anxiety. I now know that means someone up there is tapping me on the shoulder to stop what I’m doing and listen, ’cause they’ve got something important to say!

That said, the prospect of doing readings for people (people who REALLY need it) is scary for sure. When someone puts their trust in me to bring their loved ones through, the responsibility I feel to make sure I am getting it right can be overwhelming. (Which is why I’m still merely practicing!) SO, as a rule, I have made it my mission to simply convey what a spirit is telling me as best I can. I trust that they know what their loved one needs to hear, and will try their best to get that across through me.

Which brings me to tonight’s fireside chat. How many times have you heard someone hoping that a person who passed didn’t suffer? It’s a common human sentiment- we want to think they passed quickly, or even better, that they didn’t even know it was happening! Makes complete sense.

But I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t matter.

This epiphany all started with a reading I recently did for an old high school friend, Kat. She had lost her husband within the past year, and had been posting about her experiences/feelings of being a new widow on Facebook. Her openness gave me the green light to send her a message offering some words of support. We had traded a few texts back and forth when all of a sudden… BLAM. The anxiety hit HARD. Thank goodness I knew from enough past encounters to know exactly what this was. And I also knew from intuition WHO it was. It was my friend’s husband, Brad.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I couldn’t grab a pen and paper fast enough. I was on the verge of what I imagine a panic attack would feel like- and when I did finally have writing tools in hand- the information flowed fast and furious. I ended up with two pages of single spaced notes within a few minutes. The anxiety subsided once I had transcribed what Brad was telling me, but it wasn’t until I finally sat with Kat over FaceTime that I really assessed what her husband had conveyed. The first 1/2 page, a full 25% of my notes, was all about what was happening to Brad when he was dying. I felt uncomfortable reading it back to her. At the time it was coming through, I was simply a vessel writing the information as it came. But as I read it back, I sat there thinking “is all this necessary? Why would Kat need to hear this?” To this day, she never did clarify what exactly it was that took Brad’s life, but I could gather from the information it was probably a stroke, or something along those lines. Brad had went into great detail about what his death felt like, how his right arm had been numb, and even made sure to tell me that he was indeed in quite a bit of pain as it was happening. He also told me that he was very scared. I couldn’t believe I was telling her this as it came out of my mouth- it seemed hurtful!- but I had to fall back on to my tried and true rule: if Spirit conveys it, they want you to say it.

One one hand, I think that Brad was trying to prove to her that it was indeed him by giving me this information that I would have had no other way of knowing. But at the same time, it was just like having a chat with a friend. I don’t think he saw those details as being hurtful for his wife, it was just what he would have said if they were sitting there talking like they would have done when he was alive. He was just describing what had happened to him and how he felt.

I still don’t necessarily have the explicit answer to “why all the gritty details?” but as I sat one day last week contemplating that very question- what I did get instead was a download of information from Spirit.

First of all, as much as we HOPE our loved ones didn’t suffer during death- there’s always going to be those that did. That’s inevitable. So then what? Have our darkest fears been realized?

The answer lies in how you view the continuation of life after our passing. If you believe that we are simply here to live this one life and then simply turn to dust once it’s over, then yeah… that would SUCK to spend your last moments in extreme pain. SUCKY SUCK SUCKERTON.

The way I see it, though, and the example Spirit gave me, is that it’s kind of like childbirth. Not all of of us have experienced childbirth firsthand, but we’ve all heard the horror stories of extreme pain. Maybe we’ve even seen someone go through it! My own experience fits this bill. When I had my last baby (Sayde- who is my now 17 year old,) it, too, was SUCKY SUCK SUCKERTON. I had no meds to take down the pain, and I even remember thinking that I had had enough, and if given the choice at the time I would have said, “Yeah I changed my mind. Let’s not do this. Let’s just call this whole thing off.”

As we all know, that wasn’t an option.

After enduring pain I would have never thought was possible to survive, it was over just as fast. (She was born “en caul” by the way, which is a fancy way of saying my water never broke; she was born in an intact amniotic sac. It was like I birthed a balloon! But that’s for another blog post, I guess.) My point is, none of us now go around professing our sadness for how bad that freaking hurt, do we? Can you imagine if we approached every new mom telling them how sorry we were for their suffering? “Oh, I see that you have a new baby. I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN.”

This was the same sentiment I got from Brad. While the first 25% of his message was about pain, the last 75% focused on happier things. He described seeing all the people at his funeral and lamenting in jest how it would be so cool to know during life that we were all loved so much! He wanted his wife to know that he thought she should get another dog. He said how cool it was that his brother in law spoke at his funeral- that he hadn’t expected that. He was OVER the pain. It clearly wasn’t playing a part in his life on the other side anymore.

This, of course, applies to everyone in SPIRIT. That pain is OVER.

In other words, Kat would be doing herself a sad injustice if all she focused on was how her husband Brad spent his final moments here in his earthly body, instead of now looking for him sending his love with butterflies, “specifically orange ones,” he noted during our reading.

People suffer every day, of course. When they survive, we tend to focus on the life they have after that. “Oh look at you! You’re doing great!” But if someone dies while suffering, we all too often focus on just the end, even though they, too, are still doing great.

We can stop that now. As Spirit says, “It doesn’t matter.”

Kat has recently started a new youtube channel chronicling her thoughts and experiences as a new widow. Take a look at: https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCCuO6v0QEd_Xkebq2C9n8Kw

It’s basic science, my dear!

It’s basic science, my dear!

Well, well well. It’s been a while, that’s for sure.

Since we last chatted, I’ve driven and moved across half the country, started my daughter in a new high school (and taught her to drive! EEK), taken my middle son back to college, and married off my oldest son. Truth is, I haven’t made a lot of time for Spirit. That’s not to say Spirit-y things haven’t been happening, but I also haven’t been as inclined to then share them either.

I usually get inspired by a reading or learning something new about the Spirit world and want to share it, but that didn’t happen, and I had spent the better part of the last year feeling like I was failing myself and my “audience.” That is until I came across a particular paragraph on a Facebook page for mediums I’m a part of. Of course, I promptly misplaced it, but it went something like this, (in a much more eloquent style, of course):

‘I haven’t been sharing everything because I needed it to be just for me for a while. I needed to experience these things without the filter of how I was going to retell the story.’

Something like that anyway. You get the gist. I realized I needed to be able to have the mediumship learning experience and not necessarily self-reflect in real time. I needed to get to the 20/20 of the hindsight. (Also meaning, I don’t feel bad anymore for ignoring writing. Ha!) I do have some fun things to share soon enough, but first…

I’ve really been holding back on you.

Last time we chatted I was telling you all about Joseph, my newfound Spirit guide. The thing is, I didnt tell everything. There was a pretty big portion of that “vision” that I left out. I didn’t think you were ready for it… or, maybe I didn’t think I was ready for the murmurs of, “ok, NOWWWWE’VE lost her. WHOA.”

In time, I shared my info with a few people, and the more and more I did, the more I learned that what I saw wasn’t so exactly out of the ordinary. That the idea actually existed in some religions even. And before you say, “Kalachakra? What are you talking about, lady?” Let’s recap.

As I shared in my last blog post, I was in a deep meditation last year when my Spirit Guide, Joseph, introduced himself to me. First, he showed me a past life where I was male and was dying from a gunshot to the chest. Jospeh then lifted my soul from that body and whisked me up to the spirit world. My epiphany at the time was that this guide had been with me through MANY lives, and loved me with the same (actually more) intensity than a mother can love a child. It was INTENSE. And I think that’s where I originally stopped the story… but it was the NEXT part where my brain sort of exploded.

You ready for this? After that, Joseph showed me myself in the “other” realm basically seated in a classroom learning about the ways of “it all.” The visions were in quick succession, but I went from sitting in a classroom looking at some sort of rolling screen, to then standing in the middle of a circle, and knowing that I could choose where to go for my next “life” from ANY point on that circle.

Next, Joseph next showed me a line. The end of the line to my left was the beginning of time, the other end being, well, the end of time. We, of course, are somewhere in between. THEN, he took the ends of the line and brought them together to form…. a circle.

THAT CIRCLE. The one you stand in the middle of where you get to choose where you are going for your next life iteration. That choice is anywhere IN TIME. Time is CIRCULAR.

Would you like to go get a cup of coffee, or maybe a glass of wine before we sit down and discuss this further? Ha!

OK. So I like to think of myself as a pretty scientific person. I think I’ve talked about this before- I firmly believe that what I am experiencing isn’t supernatural or magic, it’s just something we don’t know how to measure yet: a way of communicating that most of us dont pick up on. My guides know my brain works scientifically, and I truly believe it is why they gave me this special glimpse of the inner workings up there. So, I received an explanation to help me understand this in science-y terms: You know how when we stand at the coast, looking out onto the ocean, we see a flat horizon? Well we also know that if we get back far enough, perhaps way up high in a plane, we could see that the horizon actually bends, and going even further up would show us that eventually it comes together to form a globe. Nothing new here, I know. But let’s go further. You know how scientists have said that time bends? (Interstellar, anyone?) And we all usually collectively scratch our heads and go, HUH???? Well, it’s the same as it is for the horizon. If we stand far enough back, eventually time comes back around to itself.

Finally, there are infinite points on a line- we all learn that in Geometry, right? Thus, there are an infinite number of places on that circle we can “go.”

See? It’s all science!

I know. Take a moment if you must.

You might be thinking, “But Holly, If the curve of time is like the curve of the earth then shouldn’t it be a globe?” Well, yes, I agree, but I wasn’t given that info. I don’t know. But man, that kind of makes sense, and now that I’m thinking about it my brain is starting to freak out again. OUCH! The possibilities!

In other news, things have finally settled down again and I’m committed to giving this Spirit stuff the attention it deserves. I came across a tweet yesterday (that I actually saved!) which rings amazingly relevant for me right now,

“Not knowing how to go or where it leads, is no longer a valid reason to ignore your path.” (@SayitValencia/Twitter)

So, I’m done ignoring. I’m now in some fun online groups I’ll share about soon and have also signed up for another round of ghost school in April, so we should have some serious stories this year! And next time, I won’t keep any secrets. It is what it is and I’ve resigned myself to being the weirdo in the bunch. I even bought some Tarot cards. 😉

Meet Joseph

Since I last posted, I’ve spent the recent four months with a very busy brain: full of thoughts of our impending move to NY (Connecticut, actually!) and all of the details that entails.  I simply haven’t been focusing on my mediumship- and if any spirits have been knocking on my psychic door to snap me back onto the path, I haven’t answered.  (But I think that’s about to change again…)

In some of that time, though, I had been taking an online course from one of the London ghost school teachers, Andy Byng.  This guy…. WHOA.  He is the exact opposite of the typical medium/psychic we think of in America. He is serious, disciplined, and no gimmicks.  In his teaching, there is no “feel good” path to doing mediumship- it’s not about “OOH AHHHHH you can do anything you want if you just BELIEVE!”  No. He is ZERO BS: it is only through hard work that true knowledge and connection arises.  And even when you think you aren’t BSing? You are. And he knows it. HAHA!

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Check out his website if ya want…. https://www.andybyng.com/

Andy’s course was called “Sitting in the Power” and it was basically the “how to” for meditating. Each week he would do a live video conference and then answer our questions before ending the lecture by leading a half hour meditation.  The weekly meditations built upon themselves- The first week was more of sitting and focusing on expanding your own power/aura, the second week we expanded that aura to blend with the spirit world, and so on. (Got it? 🙂 )

Just as I was getting used to this format, Andy’s guided meditation decided to throw me a curveball. In one of the classes toward the end of the course, we were doing the usual sitting in our own power and then expanding it to the spirit world… but instead of ending it there,  Andy cut back into the meditative silence and told us that we could now invite our Spirit guides to join us and introduce themselves. WHAT?!  He added in that it might not be the right time for some of us: if we weren’t at that stage yet and had more work to do, they might not come.

Now, I was having a pretty good meditation that day, but I checked out for long enough to think back to my track record of meditating DAILY as Andy had prescribed, and knew I had fallen quite short of that goal. “There ain’t no way,” I thought, “but sure, I’ll ask…” And so, I asked for my spirit guide(s?) to introduce themselves.

At once, four beings approached me. SERIOUSLY. One was maybe 6 – 8 inches from me on my right side, and there were three others in front of me, but they were a little further away, like… two feet.  I turned my attention to the group of three and the one on the left end sort of threw his hands up to say, “don’t look at us, HE’S the important one” and nodded to the spirit that was closer to me.

When I turned my attention, the closer being got right up to me. It was as if we were both… blobs… and every undulation of my blob was filled in with his blob. But only on my right side.  It wasn’t like I was a specific blob shape and he was a rigid puzzle piece that fit… everything about it seemed malleable.  Like his wavy blobbiness energy just butted right up to mine from head to toe on my right side. Cool huh?

I also intuitively knew this was a male energy. This energy gave me this vision of a mother holding her baby: it’s way of showing me how much it loved me. It was an INTENSE love, that took me aback. I mean, in this current earthly iteration of me, I don’t know this being, but WOW! He loves me as intensely as anything!  I then wondered who he was and the answer came right away: “Joe… Joseph.” (Funnily, it was like a second guess, like he thought about it and went, “yeah don’t call me Joe. Lets go with Joseph.” HA!) And then that was it, the meditation ended as the teacher called us all back to the “here and now.”

Now, remember how I said I had been bad at doing my meditation homework? Well, after that I may have lapsed quite a bit.  (Yeah I don’t know how/why either. After a session like that you would think I’d be fighting to meditate all day EVERY day. But now that I really think about it, I think I inherently knew that the next session would be uneventful comparatively…) I probably got maybe one meditation a week in the next month, nothing like the half hour/hour every day that was the goal.  Now, for the most part, the meditation recordings all sound the same from week to week. (Andy sent us the recordings so we could listen back as our leisure.)  But as I began a mediation recently, I started to realize that this may be the recording from the “meet the guides” week. And if that was the case, what would happen? I mean, they already introduced themselves… so…?

Sure enough, this was the recording of spirit guide week, and as Andy once again instructed us to invite our spirit guides, I found myself thinking, “Hey guys! Its cool! I know we already did this – no biggy. I’m good over here!” So, I sat there not expecting anything. (Except maybe a passing hello IF I WAS LUCKY… and I don’t even know how that would work anyway.)

Well, freaking Joseph is badass apparently.  My clear head suddenly went to a vision of a man in a flannel shirt- just a closeup of his chest.  I knew he had been shot there, and that he had a black dog that was with him as he lay dying.

I also knew that this man in the flannel shirt… was me.

This vision took me through his death- and as the mans soul was pulling away from the body, this Holly- like me right now- thought “Wow that’s sad. I wonder if he had any family he left behind?” The answer came to me in the form of the man now sitting in a classroom “up above.” He was content, and showed me that the passage of time for him wasn’t the same for us here on earth.  Whatever family and friends he had left behind would be sad, yes, but for only a relatively short time until they too would be up there as well.  I was then shown the limp body of this man in the flannel shirt, being rushed and flown up to the “other side”… in the arms of a large being with wings….. Joseph.

I don’t know when this flannel shirted man would have lived, but I DO know, that Joseph… this dude that I don’t even know right now… has had my back for a long time.  And I’m diggin’ it.

Subtle Shmuttle – part 2

I would be remiss in talking about “non-subtle spirit prodding” if I didn’t mention a very recent experience. And I’m actually very excited to tell this story because I have been given free reign – I can tell you exactly who this is about! We are talking real names and places, people!

All right – I do need to give the history here, though. Back when all of this was just beginning for me (about three years ago, I guess?) my mom, Mickey, came to town. At that time, I was desperately looking for information and guidance, and I thought she might be a good guinea pig for me to try out my new found “talents” on. I remember being so nervous! I went into my room with a pad of paper and got into meditation mode with the goal of simply connecting to anyone that wanted to come through for her. At that time, I became aware of my grandmother (my moms mom) who was not mentally well when I knew her. I don’t recall her giving me any message – just simply making me aware of her presence. My grandfather, though, did come through and did have a message, which was “I’m sorry.” (Without getting into that whole backstory – let’s just say, he was “a little shit.” And I can say that and laugh about it because not only would he laugh also, but he would’ve probably called me that first. He was one of those old guys that was completely inappropriate and always going for the joke – even if you were the butt of it.) He also gave me “wallpaper,” which certainly seems like an odd piece of information… but then again I was sitting there listening to a spirit, so… what’s odd, really?

The next morning I came out with my trusty pad of paper and relayed this information to my mom. I told her her father said he was sorry, but I knew that kind of information could easily be something that I would know and could infer. My mom and I have talked at length about my grandfather’s… “destructive” sense of humor, if you will, so I don’t blame her for being slightly ambivalent about the whole experience. I think she was trying her best to be supportive but has also had a hard time sort of buying into all of this one hundred percent. (Although, I did tell her about the “wallpaper” and she said that when she was growing up they had one wall with crazy red chinese dragon wallpaper on it.)

Now let’s jump to about seven months ago when my mom was back visiting again. We were driving in the car, just her and I, and out of nowhere I had an intense pressure on the left side of my head. It felt like my ear was going to pop! But just ONE ear! I brought my hand to the side of my head, “What the…. Do you feel that?”

“Feel what?” my mom asked.

“That pressure! It’s just…I…” I tried to explain, but I don’t think she quite understood how odd of an experience it was for me. I semi assumed it must be a spirit thing, but I’d never felt it quite like that before, and I had no idea how to proceed, so that was that. It went away and life went on.

Just a few weeks ago, my mom was back in town again visiting. We had already spent a few days hanging out, and had just that day been at the wig store. We were indulging my mom’s curiosities about todays’s wig options (as she had once owned a wig shop in her younger years) and she was also getting increasingly concerned about her possibly thinning hair. We talked about her condition not being surprising as it would be purely genetic – both her father and grandmother both had very fine and thin hair, with grandmother essentially bald. We had a fun day with lots of laughs, of course, and my mom ended up with a really cool little hairpiece that she keeps calling a “wiglet.” (And somehow, she says it with a straight face.)

The next day, I was simply walking to the garage to get something from my car when it hit. AGAIN. Super intense pressure on the left side. Like being up in a plane before your ears pop times five. But only half of your head.

I was startled, but quickly put the pieces together that this was happening again when my mom was here. I literally went from “wow there is pressure on the side of my head” to “that’s the same pressure that happened to me last time” to “it only happens when my mom is here” to “I bet it’s spirit” and ending with “It’s grandpa and grandma Lilly” within a fraction of a second. I include that because it’s important to know that I didn’t have a chance to sit there and think about this. There was no rational mind in coming to the conclusion that it was my grandfather and my great grandmother. And that’s one of those things that for me is when I truly know from the get go that my internal dialogue had nothing to do with it.

I was paralyzed with shock. I certainly was not expecting any sort of message for my mom on this trip. I found myself standing alone in the dark garage wondering how to proceed and forgetting why I was there in the first place. It’s kind of like being in that building in California from the last post – do I tell my mom simply that her father and her grandmother are here? Will I be able to elicit more information? I walked back into the house and everybody was going about their normal routine like I hadn’t just been pressure punched in the laundry room. I felt like I was a walking zombie – I could hardly form a thought or think about anything other than what my next move was with spirit. I somehow excused myself unnoticed and went to my closet to meditate, again with my pad of paper.

When I closed my eyes and tuned out my surroundings, I was aware that both my grandfather and great grandmother were there. (This is the same “little shit” grandfather from before, but now he was accompanied by his mother as well.) My grandfather was quick to start. “I’m sorry. I’m telling you again because you believe now.” (Meaning- she believes in all this spirit stuff now, as opposed to the first time he came though.) I could tell that my great grandmother was there, but she was letting my grandpa do the talking. “We’ve tried to get your attention but you’re focused on other things.” I knew right away what he meant by this, as I’m guilty of it also. In order to get messages from spirit and loved ones, we have to have a blank mind sometimes. It’s not to say that you have to be sitting in meditation… it’s just that going from the television to our phone to our computers in a basically never ending cycle never gives us the mental downtime that they would need to catch our attention.

I then had an image of my grandfather and great grandmother giggling and they showed me how they were watching us in the wig shop the day before. My grandpa laughed and said “that is our legacy.” They thought it was funny that what they would be remembered by was their thinning hair.

I finished up my meditation faster than usual, as we were all preparing to leave to run some errands that day. (I was also afraid of being found in my closet. I could just see my poor husband walking in… “what are you doing NOW?”) So, as soon as my grandfather sort of stepped back and stopped giving information as readily, I let him go quickly and said thank you. We hopped into the car and I told my mom what had happened. This time, she was much more intrigued. “Really? REALLY? wow.” Then, in a moment I will never forget, she suddenly turns and says, “my ear is buzzing!”

I couldn’t help but smile and I said “Yes! That’s what happens!”

“It’s like a bee is buzzing but it’s only right here in this area on this one side!”

“I know! I know! That’s what happens to me!” I told her. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen my mother so thrown off guard- and it was awesome. It took her a while to stop describing it – almost as if we didn’t believe her. “This has NEVER happened to me before!”

It was like that scene in Field of Dreams where Kevin Costner is on the ground trying to save his daughter from choking on the hotdog when the ghost doctor steps off of the baseball field and the stupid brother-in-law finally sees all of the ghosts.

This was my mom’s, “When did these Ballplayers get here?” moment.*

I’m not sure what’s next for her, but I have a feeling her “Kids fair alter ego, Madame Michelle” was just to prepare us all for…. Medium Mickey!

*Please tell me you’ve seen that movie and get that reference. If not- go immediately to your television and order/find it. You can’t read a ghost blog without watching Field of Dreams. It’s a real rule, pinky swear.

Subtle Shmuttle- part one

Subtle Shmuttle- part one

I probably overuse the word “subtle“ in a lot of my storytelling. “Spirit is subtle”… “I can’t believe how subtle the signs are!“ I know, I know – you get it already!

But, there have been a few times lately where it hasn’t been so subtle – and those are the really cool connections. Those are the ones where there is absolutely no question that what’s happening is really happening, and there’s also a lot less internal wishy-washiness about telling the recipient when you know how hard their loved ones must’ve worked to get through.

I haven’t asked permission from this next gentleman to tell his not-so-subtle story, so I will keep names and places very general, but this is how it went down:

I was with my family and we were taking a tour of our friend, “Tim’s” workplace. He is overseeing the renovation of an old building in California. We said our hellos outside on the grounds, and then stepped into the front door of the project, which was very much under construction; scaffolding lined some of the walls, ladders laid on the floor, and various workers milled about. During the tour Tim gave us, he was highlighting all sorts of stuff… NONE of which I heard. Why? Because as soon as we walked in the building, my brain started doing that buzzy spinny thing again. It’s apparently spirit’s version of, “Hey look at me!!”

The buzzing had just started when I looked at Tim and simultaneously heard, “grandpa.”

Oh…… NO. Here we go.

So at this moment, my brain is not only going haywire with spirit energy, but also trying to start processing how I will (or WON’T) possibly tell Tim what I’ve heard. Am I supposed to repeat just that to him? “Hey your grandpa is here!” What if nothing else follows? Then we’d all look around at each other, my kids doing that wide darting eyed silent code for “dude. Mom is WEIRD” and my husband looking at his friend like, “oh I’m so sorry about her.”

But hallelujah something DID follow. As I walked, I heard: “Dad’s Dad.” “Namesake.”

Hey! Now we are getting somewhere!

The tour probably lasted anther 15-20 minutes with no more outright information- just me trying to physically shake off the “ooglies”- and boy were they THICK. It’s SUCH an odd feeling. It’s kind of like…. a light electrocution mixed with confusion. You can’t get everything to stop, I dunno… moving. Just continuous waves of energy. It doesn’t hurt- it’s just kind of annoying when you’re trying to think, listen, be normal, and NOT give off “ghosts are all over me” vibes. I was literally in the back of the family tour pack- walking and throwing my hands trying to flick it off, and hoping no one would notice my new tick. (That didn’t work.) I knew then that the only way to shake this was to just come clean with Tim, however looney it sounded.

Tim finally walked us out- I waited for my family to each say their goodbyes and get in the car before I made my move. My hands were vigorously shaking, and I started to tear up. (This stuff gets freakily emotional- and you don’t always know why,)

“Soooo, you know that thing I do?” (This is my innovative go-to line apparently..)


“You know… the medium thing….” (I was sure we must have discussed this over a bottle of wine when he visited the prior year..)

“…no…but my wife is really into that stuff…”

Sigh. “Well when I walked in I got some serious vibes and heard ‘Grandpa’ and then, ‘Dads dad’ and ‘namesake.’ Does that mean anything to you?”

“Oh lots of stuff happens here!” Tim explained, glossing over my specifics. “I hear things all the time…” He said he hears footsteps and voices as clear as yours and mine saying, “hello?” as if they are looking for someone in the building. He told me two men ran into his office one day, scared to bits because “something was chasing them.”

Well, Ok… that’s neato and all, but… “this is for YOU. YOUR grandpa.”

Tim eyes went wide.

“Grandpa. Dad’s dad. Namesake.”

The wheels were obviously turning in Tim’s head but it was like he couldn’t even comprehend what I was saying now that this was so personal. He started talking about his Dad, thinking it must be him when I interrupted, “What was your grandpa’s name?”

“Well, my DAD’S name was Bill…”


“Timothy,” Tim casually stated.

I looked at Tim with my hands in the air as if to convey, “well duh!” and just said, “namesake!”

Tim was fairly speechless. It was like he knew there were ghosts there, but he never considered they were HIS ghosts. But now Tim was curious, like, “ok grandpa is here….. and? Why?”

Well actually, I had already asked! “He just wants you to know he sees what you are doing and loves watching you at work and he’s proud of you!”

And that is exactly what happened. At some point during the tour (that I’ll have to take again someday,) I did ask Grandpa, “so what do you want me to tell him?” and I didn’t hear anything like a sentence- nothing audible. It was just a feeling and the knowledge of the late, great, Timothy, hanging out and proudly watching his successful namesake at work.

Trust your Gut

It started with a tag on Facebook last week.

“Holly, can you help? Is a this enough information for you?”

I quickly scanned the post it was referring to.

A friend of a friend of a friend (seriously) on FB had posted her story of leaving Vietnam in 1984. This woman, *Sarah, sadly told of how her mother had been kidnapped by pirates from the boat they were on. She also said that she figured her mother had since passed, if only because she thought she could sometimes “feel her around,” but that she was now in limbo because a medium had recently told her otherwise.

I decided to stop reading the post at that point; I didn’t want to know anything further-didn’t want to taint anything.  Sarah simply wanted to know if her mom was alive or… dead. I had her name and her mom’s name…I figured that was all I needed.

I surprised myself in that I wanted to give this a try. I had never attempted something like this before; not only reading someone miles and miles away (that had no idea I was even DOING it), but doing a reading where much of the info I’d expect to procure couldn’t even be verified by the person I’m trying to help!

This is also probably a good time to mention that I’m knee-deep into a meditation class. It’s a weekly online forum where one of my instructors from Ghost School talks about meditation: how to use it, how to do it, what to say, etc. So… I’ve been feeling a lot more “connected” lately. After I read Sarah’s post, I kind of relayed to the spirit world, “I don’t know what my next step is, but if you put it in front of me, I certainly will give it a try.” And so… try I did.

My notes from the reading with names crossed out.

Since I’ve been trying to “sit in the power” MUCH more often for this class, I figured I would add Sarah’s situation into that day’s meditation. I sat down, closed my eyes, “expanded my soul” and tried to connect with someone who could help.

Fairly quickly, I saw a woman. I knew right away it was Sarah’s mother, in a state of the most raw despair. She was screaming but I couldn’t hear her. I just saw her face, she was bent over with fists clenched and mouth and eyes turned down as if her world was ending… It was the face you’d imagine if one was being pulled away from her children. She quickly relayed that she would rather be dead than be in the situation she had been in. She knew that the ending for her was death anyway, and she felt that death was better than the pain she was experiencing. She spared me the detail of her captivity, but i knew it was horrific, emotionally and physically.

If I had had any question as to the fate of Sarah’s mother, that was quickly put to rest. It was then that a message came through from a different source, a BIGGER source. “Trust your gut.” (That was for Sarah. The source was letting Sarah know that she was right all along about her mothers passing.) It then said to me, “We have her. She is fine. She was WRONGED.”


Sarah’s mother stepped back up and began communicating as if she was talking directly to Sarah:

“Your pain is not knowing. You don’t remember.” Sarah’s mom was both telling Sarah AND communicating to me that Sarah didn’t remember what had happened and so Sarah’s pain now was not memories, but the not knowing if her mom had survived. At this point I started wondering “in 1984, if Sarah was MY age she would have been around 10… wouldn’t she remember some of that?” Ughhhh… I hoped my info was right…

I then felt/heard “I can watch you! I’m happy again!” Sarah’s mom was telling me that she was free of her physical body being trapped somewhere else- she could REALLY watch her daughter live! It was at this point that I broke into a happy tears/overjoyed moment. (And don’t forget, I was alone! Ha! I was literally sobbing happily on the couch all by myself!) She literally made me FEEL how proud she was of Sarah- she told me that she was absolutely willing to give up her life to have this life for Sarah. This was her purpose- and she would make the same choices again if she had to. She had no regrets.

She then started giving me some “proof,” if you will. She said there was a “shrine.” But there was a quick addendum of, “Something small but makes you feel attached.” I wrote this down hoping it would make sense to Sarah if I could get this information to her.

Then, I saw Sarah’s mother holding a baby in pink. Initially, the baby girl was Sarah. But then it was as if the meaning morphed, and now this was meant to show me Sarah’s child. The weird thing is, as I heard it, it was, “I know and love the children.” I had only seen her cradling one baby girl, but I heard “childREN.” And so that’s what I wrote. I had a few seconds of doubt, “what if she only has one child and I’m wrong?” But if I’ve learned anything- it’s to go with what Spirit gives me. (What was it Spirit said to me way back when I was worried about getting information wrong? Oh yeah- “You don’t have to be right. You just have to LISTEN.”)

I then got “Boy Girl.” And then quickly thereafter: “5/3” ……But then doubting Holly came in. “Is this how old the kids are now? Crap, this is getting specific.” I’m STILL in that place where it is SO hard to trust what is coming through. I cannot STRESS ENOUGH how subtle this sh&t is. (SERIOUSLY. If that’s the only lesson today, let it be that: SPIRIT CAN BE SUBTLE. “Did I really just hear that?” Remember that in your life, too. Loved ones may be trying to give you signs and you may be missing it because you’re only looking for objects flying across the room!) I then moved into “Is this how old she and her brother were when this happened to them?” (wait, did I just say that? Yes I did. I said “brother.” I wondered if  she had a brother?

The next thing to pop up (and that’s literally what happens- things just pop up!) was “red shirt.” I had received this same message when the reading first started but had blown it off as my own thoughts, but here it was again. I wrote it down.

Then, “August.” I wrote that down too.

Then came the part of the reading that showed me we were at the end. I felt a strong pressure in the right side of my head. It was then that I knew how Sarah’s mother had died. She gave me more than the method- she gave me her feelings too. I knew that she was angry, and combative, and wasn’t going down without a fight. She knew there was no way out, so she wasn’t going down easily. She didn’t fight to get away- she fought for her dignity. She never wanted to let them think they had defeated her, so she was a fighter through and through. And for this, she was punished. A strong blow to the right side of the head had finally bought her the peace she desired… and she was able to see her daughter again. She made me feel like she had been released.


I sent this information initially to the guy who had tagged me on Facebook, hoping he could get the info to Sarah. Two days after I received an email from her:

Now let me step in again and reluctantly let you into the real world of Holly. I check my email, lets say- sporadically. Every couple of days… maybe. So I finally read this email from Sarah the day AFTER her “tomorrow.” She had sent this on Wednesday, I read it on Friday at about 8am. And when I saw it, I was still in bed and I had so much to do and I remember thinking- “sigh… I’ll get back to her later today.” But as soon as I closed my email, the right side of my head started throbbing again. I knew immediately that it was my sign to answer her. So I did. I emailed back and Sarah and I set up a time to talk later that day at 12:30 ET.

Now, I had a few hours to kill- so I did some work then decided to take a bath. At one point, I was relaxed and floating. In my head, I had LOTS of time left.  I looked at my clock- it was 11:15. Perfect- Loads of time to soak! WAIT- 11:15 my time means 12;15 hers! That meant I only had now 15 minutes to wash up and be ready to talk!  Honestly, though? My first thought was that I could do this on “Holly time.” I mean, this is like charity, right? I callously thought, “Meh, I can be a few minutes late on this one…” But then the right side of my head throbbed. Sarah’s mom was on it. I knew I had to get moving.

I face-timed Sarah at 12:30ET EXACTLY and she told me what had happened so far to get her to this point….

Her dog, *Rex, had suddenly become sick. She had had him for three weeks, but then, inexplicably, Rex had lost bowel control during the night…going anywhere and everywhere… for TWO WEEKS.  She then called a dog medium (Huh? Well that story took a turn fast!)  The dog medium told Sarah that a spirit was… basically scaring the sh*t out of her dog. She told Sarah that she needed to get rid of this spirit so that her dog could relax. But she also told her this spirit was a grandmother figure and liked to watch her and the kids, and loved to watch her cook.

This is where it’s kinda funny… Sarah told me that her first reaction was, “This spirit is protecting me! I’ll get rid of the dog before I get rid of the spirit!”

The dog medium asked Sarah if either of her or her husband’s mothers had passed. Sarah’s husbands mother was still alive, but she didn’t KNOW if her mom was or not. She had the dog medium “look into it.” Sarah told me the dog medium used the photograph of her mother to examine the mother’s chakras.

Yeah. I have no idea what that means either. And I AM NOT LAUGHING. And you should STOP laughing! 🙂

I’m kidding. Like I’ve said before, I am certainly not one to judge if things are weird.  But, I would venture to say it wasn’t very accurate (at least in MY opinion) because the dog medium told Sarah that she felt like her mother was still alive.

Sarah relayed that they had purchased a foreclosure home, one that was in worse shape than any other they had considered. She said contractors they hired complained that the home was haunted by an evil spirit, and many ended up injured. She told me that she always reiterated that she felt like the spirit in the home was good and was there to protect her, and then found out that many of those contractors were doing some shady dealings with her. Mom had her back the whole time!

When Sarah and I were able to get to the nitty-gritty of the information I had gathered- she basically confirmed it all. She didn’t remember anything from the boat, and agreed her pain now stemmed from not knowing what happened to her mother.

When I mentioned the “shrine,” Sarah proudly pointed out the ONE picture she has of her mother, framed proudly behind her work desk so that she can see it whenever she turns around.

As for the thing about the baby? Yes. Sarah DOES have two children. One girl and one boy… and her boy is 5 years old. I said to her, “Well, I saw 5 slash 3… Is there anything that the three means to you?” Nothing. I then thought out loud, “could it be the ages you were when this happened to you and your brother? You do have a brother, correct?” She affirmed she did and told me that she was also 5 years old when this had happened on the boat… but that her brother had not been 3.  (I wanted to explain to her that the brother question had been nagging at me since I had finished the first part of the reading!)

I went on to ask her about the red shirt. I mentioned that I had gotten this information two times, once at the beginning of the connection with her mother and again at the end. “Does this mean anything to you?”

“Well, the only thing I can think of is that last week I went shopping and the only thing, like the ONLY thing I bought, was a red shirt. Could that mean she is trying tell me she was with me shopping?”

My eyes were spinning because as she said this, I was taking into account that she was now wearing a red vest… it was like her mom knew not only what she had been doing last week, but also what she would be wearing for our meeting. I laughed and said, “Absolutely! That could easily be that! She wants you to know she’s around!”

For some reason at this point I asked Sarah,”How old is your daughter?”

“13,” she told me.

Chills came over me as I glanced back at my notes.  I realized that the visual I had seen had completely corresponded to the facts, but that my interpretation was off. I saw “5/3”. To me that meant 5 slash 3- hence, 5 and 3. But my brain went back to the mental image I had been given- 5 SLASH 3.  I then finally figured out the clue: it was “513.” FIVE- THIRTEEN.


And what was significant in August? Well, that was her daughter’s birthday. 🙂

From then on, we had a great conversation. I think Sarah knows that her mom is with her in spirit now and she can stop worrying about the “ghost” in her home. I actually gave the mom a “what the heck?” regarding the dog, and she relayed back that she was sorry and didn’t realize her own “spirit” strength! Sarah is content in knowing that her “gut” was right- that she WAS being protected by this spirit, and even happier knowing that this spirit is indeed her mother.

She also knows that her mom went down fighting. And that her mom is happier than EVER being on the other side of all of this and being able to see her daughter and now her grandchildren grow.


*Names have been changed. Yes, even the dog’s.


Update: I showed the original FB post to my friend who noticed that Sarah DID mention a brother in it. I can honestly say I didn’t read that far in, but who’s to say my eye didn’t subconsciously catch that bit…? It also explains why Sarah wasn’t surprised that I knew that. Ha! Oh well. 🙂

The Crow Knows

I was hoping to have a better conclusion to this next story, which is why I’ve waited so long to tell it. I wanted to wrap it up into a big bow and go, “Here ya go!”, but that isn’t what is going to happen. Not yet anyway…

About two months ago, the fam and I went to Santa Barbara for a little vacation. We hadn’t been back in a long time, and despite both my son Tate and daughter Sayde being born there, neither had many memories of it. So the overcast mornings and beach weather and trips to the waterfront were all new to them. (My oldest had to stay back due to work.) We even ended up staying at a friend of a friends’ house just blocks away from the ocean. It was magnificent!

Driving up from LAX on Saturday evening, my husband reminded me (for the second time) “You should go to church tomorrow.” Now, the church he was talking about was the “Church of the Comforter” in downtown SB, and it was the place where it kind of all began for me. That was where I went for guidance immediately after my initial “blue hair yellow Cadillac” incident. The Sunday service was now less than 14 hours out, and it was going to be the only chance I had at visiting, but I really wouldn’t have remembered had it not been for Casey’s reminders. We had had a crazy couple of days beforehand traveling, and so the forgetful mind coupled with the lure of a warm bed surely would have done me in.

Early the next morning, I found myself in a king size bed with a fluffy duvet, the windows open, and… the CROWS SQUAWKING. My brain was jolted awake and I had a split second of thinking, “You’re kidding me. I’m on vacation and I’m gonna have to listen to THIS every morning?!” Before that thought even ended, I was literally interrupted by another voice. I heard, “HaHaHa! That just means its going to be cool outside. Now get out there and see what’s happening today!” My eyes popped open and I sat there thinking, “Whoa. That was NOT me talking to myself!” I then developed a hypothesis to test on subsequent mornings- “Did the crows only squawk on overcast cool days?”

Casey soon left to golf with the great sport legends of the word, (as one does, right?) and I rallied the kids to go with me to church. Sayde was excited- Tate, not so much. (As he would tell me later: “I BELIEVE you, I’m just not INTO it.” Haha!) We arrived a bit early for “healing” sessions, where you go up to the front of the room and sit in a chair while a healer person… does their healing thing to you. (I don’t know what it is, but if at the very least it’s someone praying over you to be healthy for a few minutes, well then sign me up!)

I went first and selfishly hoped the nice woman would realize how much my stupid chronic shoulder injury hurt and pull off some miracle on me (but knowing that what I really needed was some more clarity about my spiritual journey. 😉 )  I returned to my seat a few minutes later and tried to nudge Tate up to the front. He gave me the death stare, so I turned my attention to Sayde. She was gung-ho and scrambled up to the next available seat.

I then watched as this adorable old woman stands behind Sayde, her eyes closed and her hands slowly tracing Sayde’s aura. The woman breaks into a big smile as she does this. It was neat to watch, but I had to wonder if she had been doing that with everyone? When she was done, I told Sayde about the woman beaming as she “healed” her, and for the next 15 minutes we watched intently as she kept a stoic yoda face with the rest of her heal-ees. Innnnteresting!

From there, it was as normal as a normal church can be. We sang a few songs and listened to some nice words, but the woman leading it then remarks on the bigger attendance today due to the special guest. Turns out we happened to visit on the morning that a medium from Los Angeles was going to give messages. (Coincidence? I think not.) As soon as I saw her, I remember thinking, “Holy hell that’s good hair.” Haha! But then, “I NEED to figure out a way to talk to her after this.” I mean, It isn’t every day that I run into a real live medium ya know!  Anyway- her name is Austyn Wells, and she stood up there and talked about this beautiful life (and reaffirmed my confidence that I’m on the right path) before starting into messages for the people in attendance.

Austyn gave a few readings- and I thought how great it was to once again be privy to this experience, and actually sort of hoping that my “people” on the other side would stay quiet. As a family, we just haven’t had any huge unexpected deaths close to us that have ever impacted our well being, so I wanted other people in the room to have those messages more than myself. Well, that was until Austyn said, “I want to go to the middle of the room. The young man sitting there with the pink shirt.”


I mutter an “ohhhhhh shit,” under my breath as Tate’s head pops up from his phone wide eyed..

Austyn continued, “I have a young man here in the spirit world, about your age. Does that make sense to you?”

“Uhhhhhhh…. maybe? I don’t know…?” Austyn now also looks confused as she moves to the man sitting in front of Tate. “It’s definitely in this area- does that mean anything to YOU?” The man shakes his head no.

A few seconds of silence passed as we waited for Austyn to continue, until the woman NEXT to Tate says “I know a young male in the spirit world.” Austyn looked at her for a split second before turning her attention confidently back to Tate,

“No, this is for YOU. The young gentleman in the pink shirt. You are who I need to work with on this.”

She started to describe a young man, the same age as Tate. She said he was standing up there with an air of confidence, like he was bad ass and he knew it. Tate still looked confused. I know now that he was going through the very small Rolodex of people he knew of that had died. He thought that maybe it could have been a boyfriend of one of his friends that had died a few years back, but nothing was truly clicking. And then she said, “You might not actually know this guy.” That’s when it hit me. I tapped Tate on the shoulder and I said, “I know who it is.”

*Now, before I go any further, I need to give you some info, and I’m going to try real hard not to give any identifying information. So, some facts will be changed and others left out.

There was a teenager who died just before we left on our trip. He was around Tate’s age, and while they didn’t know each other, they probably would have known OF each other. It was one of those deaths that just stops you in your tracks for a bit: same age as Tate- same interests- I was sure that we must have seen this kid around at some point. (I feel like I may have said too much already, but those are some facts that are sort of integral to the story here.)

“I know who it is,” I told Tate.

“You do?”

“It’s that kid from Willis.”

And when I say it hit me, IT HIT ME. I’m SURE that this kid was going, “It’s me its me!” before deciding to pop into my head for a quick shout. It was as if all of a sudden- I just KNEW.

Tate and I turned back to Austyn and we both started listening to the details she was giving with fresh ears. She told us how many siblings he had (later confirmed,) the two toned dog that he had by his side, and that he was reaching out to Tate because he didn’t know any other way to get a message to his parents- he was desperate to just let them know he was OK. She said that none of his family would be in a position to get a message, so going through Tate was his way of grasping at spiritual straws, in a way. She said the father was devastated, but that the mom was SO distraught that the father was both grieving his son and feeling utterly helpless as to how to help his wife.

Tate relayed to Austyn that we did NOT in fact know this kid, so we couldn’t confirm or deny any of the details she was giving. “Can you meet me after this then?” Austyn asked. “This is too important to not figure out. He even came IN with you guys!” Austyn’s point was, this wasn’t just some oh-hey-look-who’s-here-I’m-gonna-say-Hi thing. This kid was doing everything to make this all come together. In my head, I went back to the oddness of Casey just happening to remind me to go to church- TWICE. The weird crows waking me up bright and early and telling me to “go out and see what’s happening out there!” The fact that Tate was even THERE. I can’t even being to tell what an oddity THAT was.

While Austyn was speaking, a lady’s phone randomly went off in the front row. Not a ring or a beep, but Siri saying the date. “July, twenty (garbled), two thousand seventeen.” The poor lady scrambled to pick up and silence her iPhone and the congregation giggled. Austyn did too, but then said, “You know, Spirit works in mysterious ways… Does July mean anything? Maybe not this July, but July?”

I looked at her and my voice shook. “This July. He died this July.” I heard the audience gasp. Here’s the thing: the day in church was July thirty. But Siri had said July twenty something. I hadn’t heard the exact date, but Sayde turned to me and said, “Mom, she said July twenty ****.” And sure enough, when we looked it up after, that was the day he had died.

We stayed after and Austyn sat down with us. She said the kid was still there, of course, and was now talking about his teammates and how they were like brothers to him. He also needed them to know he was ok. She said he was acknowledging that he couldn’t believe it had come to this, having to work with his direct competitor! Austyn asked Tate if he was comfortable passing on the message to them. Tate said that he would try, but that they didn’t even have any friends in common. Austyn paused for a moment and wondered aloud, “Why would he ask you this if you don’t know any of them?” and then she she kind of answered her own question and stated emphatically, “You need to talk to the person with the A- name. That’s who will be the most open to this.”

For the sake of brevity, I’ll leave out some of the “connective tissue” that takes us to the end of all of this. Suffice to say, my whole family’s head was spinning on what steps to take next. Tate ended up getting a phone number for the friend with the “A” name and after explaining what had happened (via text)- the friend never replied back.


I have since contacted the Dad via social media and asked to sit down with him for a bit. I wouldn’t normally reach out to a stranger like that, but in this situation, how could I not? Yesterday, his father and I finally traded some, you guessed it, text messages. To say that was not my preferred method of communication would be a massive understatement, but he was wanting some details as to why I wanted to speak to him. I tried my best not scare him off, giving as little as I could while also giving him.. something. I just felt like if I could physically sit down with him I could explain it all…

Well, that was yesterday midday and… I haven’t received a reply. While my soul wants to give him a message from his son, my heart only can hope that I didn’t make his pain any worse. As of right now? I’m not sure if I’ll ever find out.

My plan is to give it a few more days, and if I still don’t hear anything, tread lightly with one more text, simply stating that his son just wanted him to know he was ok.

The other stuff? Well I do have a tidy/feel good end to those pieces, so that’s where we can wrap this up. The old Yoda healer lady interrupted our conversation with Austyn to tell us what a pleasure it was to work with Sayde, and that she couldn’t help but giggle during it! She said that Sayde had such a good soul, and that many many spirits were around her, all wanting to be a part of her healing. It was almost as if they were arguing over who was going to get to help!

Also, it may have slipped out that I’d just gotten back from ghost school in London, so I got some serious greet cred at the church. 😉 Sayde and I ended up going to dinner with Austyn that night and she will be one of my medium buddies forever!

And my hypothesis regarding the crows? Well the next morning, Monday, it was overcast and the crows squawked again. Tuesday? The sun was shining and… no crows. But here’s the fun part: on my last morning there- the crows started squawking yet again. I’m thinking, “ok- let’s see if it’s overcast!” As I opened my eyes I caught a peek of… wait what? Brilliant sunshine?! But before I could throw away my week of highly scientific testing, I again hear the same voice that started my week off with a jovial/tongue-in-cheek, “Merry Christmas! This ones on us!”